


Those times

by or_else



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe where Jim is still dead, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-29
Updated: 2013-08-29
Packaged: 2017-12-24 23:55:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/946204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/or_else/pseuds/or_else
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard McCoy really fucking hates space.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Those times

**Author's Note:**

> So I tried something other than fluff. 
> 
>  
> 
> As usual, I don't own Star Trek, I'm not making any money off of this, and I don't have a beta

Jim,

This is probably a really bad idea, but the counselor they are sending me to is making me do it. It’s pointless, really. Writing letters to a person who will never read them? It’s pointless. You aren’t coming back. That’s what everyone says. I still can’t believe it. I mean, you? The great Jim Kirk? Gone forever? I would have never guessed.

I suppose I should have seen it coming. You ~~throw~~  threw yourself at any danger and trouble you could find, and if you didn’t? It would find you. It always was like that.

I just. I don’t know, Jim. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do this. I snuck you aboard this ship because I couldn’t imagine flying across the stars without you.

I still can’t.

It hurts, Jim, hurts all over and I don’t think there is anything in my medical bay that could fix this. I tried, Jim. I tried so hard. I thought that maybe the superhuman blood would fix you, but it wasn’t compatible. I was _so close_ , Jim, so close to seeing those eyes that someone poured the ocean into open on the own. So close to hearing you laugh at my eye roll and telling me not to be such a grumpy old man. So close to hearing you over the intercom and stopping myself from grinning. So close to grumbling about your lack of self preservation during away missions, during everything.

_So close._

It didn’t work though. You heart is still a useless piece of flesh in your chest and your lungs are still deflated in their last breath and your eyes still closed. I thought maybe….maybe…I don’t know. I’m sorry Jim. Sorry I couldn’t fix you this one time it mattered. Sorry I failed.

I just don’t understand one thing. Why did you do it? No, not going into the damn warp core to save the whole fucking ship. I get that. It’s what you do. I don’t get why you didn’t call me. Were you afraid that I would have broken the glass? I might have been tempted. Very tempted. I’d kill myself to save you. I couldn’t kill the whole ship, though, that wouldn’t have been fair, after everything you had done to ensure their survival. It would have been hard, really hard, but I can control myself. Most of the time. I seem to lose that control when you are around.

Still.

You didn’t even let me say goodbye, Jim. I just wanted to say goodbye. You were my best-friend-maybe-something-more and I think I should at least have the right to say goodbye. Instead, you called Spock. Which would be _logical,_ I suppose, to an outsider. He was your first officer, after all. Your number one. I’m just the CMO.

I miss you. My head is full of things I should have told you while I could and they are clogging up my ears and eyes and I can’t see or hear or feel anything.

Maybe it’s better this way.

Most likely.

I’ve always been a bit on the emotional side. You know this. I’m volatile, likely to explode and splatter my _feelings_ and _emotions_ everywhere and on everything. It’d be messy but I’m already a mess and you knew that so it didn’t really matter in the end. Nothing really mattered other than the fact that the only think I can feel at the moment is fear and a white wall of a blank sheet of 21 century paper before the pen touches it. It’s empty over here in my heart and I’m lonely. It’s empty in my head but it’s emptier out in the black without you.

I’ve always been on the emotional side, but now I feel nothing.

I think you took my insides with you when you left.

I guess I’ve got two things to say goodbye to now.

I’m saying it now, when you can’t hear me, because I didn’t get a chance to when you could.

I love you, Jim Kirk. I love the way you used to wake me up at bumfuckoclock to ask me stupid questions when we were sharing a dorm at the Academy. I love the way you tapped your stylus against your nose when you were studying. I love the way you would always eat apples and insist they were your entire serving of fruit and vegetable. I love the way you call me Bones even if I pretended to hate it. I love the way you yelled at me for using the bread knife to cut fruit (who the fuck even cares about those sort of things even more?). I love the way you looked at the stars the way a child looks at them. I love how you saw through my grumpiness and sarcastic remarks and tore through my carefully made walls and into my heart.

I love you present, past, and future tense.

I told you once that _all I’ve got left is my bones_ but now I don’t even have that.

And I guess this is good bye. I hope that you are happy wherever you are, because you of all people deserve it, dammit.

The stars don’t shine nearly as bright as they did when you were here.

x Leonard H. McCoy, known to one Jim Kirk as “Bones”, Former CMO of  the USS Enterprise 


End file.
